She is still not back....

It is now 8pm. My wife has been out since morning. Yeap another argument. It seems I will never have peace at home, and I will never have peace on Sunday.

Yesterday, she slept late. Some functions at her company causes her to reach home only around 1am. By the time she finished bathing and drying her hair, it's already well past 2am.

This morning, I lovingly told her to continue sleeping and don't bother to go to church. I know she does not like to go to church, especially the one we are attending now. No particular reason, but most probably because of the CL. But then again, she never really make herself comfortable in any church or to build relationship with the members of the church.

I have also promised her that I will be back before afternoon, after which I shall cook lunch for her to eat. I took out a fish which I brought early yesterday morning at a major wet market near town, so that it will be ready when I am back in less than 3 hours time.

But she refuse. She says she want me to attend 'another church' at the city. Well, I couldn't understand the reason for her to do so. What is she thinking? The silly reason she gave?

Well the church starts an hour late from the one we used to attend. That means she could sleep longer. Now, as a person who has spend so much time with her, I know this is not her real reason. Simple calculation will show that the delay of one hour will be insignificant. The church we are attending is within walking distance, while the one in the city need 30min of travelling one way.

Ever since the last trip back to hometown, I have told myself and promised my mother in law that I will nurture her both physically and emotionally. This also means that I will give in to all her demand, at least temporarily, so that she would not suffer a mental breakdown. During the last trip, she basically blowed up in front of her parents and shouted like a person possessed. If you have seen her prolonged madness, you will breakdown crying too.....

When her mother saw that, she too began cry and pleads me that if we allow her to be agitated again, she may go mad.

Both of them told me that they know the fault is not on my side, and that she is very very unstable and not herself for the past one year. They notice that she has keeps repeating herself and does not know what she is talking about. But they also explained to be that I am the only person that could help her now and want me to do all I could, so that she will not thread this path of darkness.

As the husband, I agree, and promised them I would. And I know I have to....

But to ask me to attend another church as a visitor is just too much. For the past few weeks, I have been going through hell at work and have been worrying sick of my father's condition. Every call I receive at night send chills to my bone as my father is suffering from heart disease. The fact that we could not afford private hospitals means that we could only depend on public hospitals. And the waiting period for angiogram is just so long.

With all the pressure that I am in, I really needed the support and prayers of church brothers and sisters. I needed them to come along with me as I go through this difficult period of my life. I need their company and sunday is the only time where I could find some peace, solace and fellowship with them. And my spirit is renewed as I praise and worship to the Lord with the people I know with....

So, this demand from her is very very difficult for me to swallow and give in.

She even argued that if all I want is to worship the Lord, then it does not really matters which church I go!...well, if that's the case, why don't we setup an altar at home, just like the chinese do?

Throughout these difficult period, she has never really provided me with much comfort. She even refuse to visit my parents during Christmas and when my father celebrated his birthday....Nor did she called them to ask their condition. When I think of these, I become so sad and depressed.

We didn't really argue much. I just get out of the house while she continue to accuse me of putting brothers and sisters and even the church at a higher priority than her....sigh..

I attend the church alone, with a heavy heart. God knows my condition today, and he assigns don to be the worship leader today. He easily brings us into fellowship with the Lord and I cried out to the Lord during worship.

My first Christmas with my parents after getting married

Dear PA,

Today is Christmas Day. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Yes, PA. We had another round of argument on the Eve of Christmas. I am just too tired to describe to you what really happens. And I wish to inform you that I have some doubt about our marriage. We have been having arguments over petty things, from car tidiness to fish paste. While most of the time I have been keeping a level head, she has been terribly emotional and started behaving in a destructive behaviour.

And now, I think I had enough. She has crossed the border by bad mouthing me in front of her parents. In her emotional state, she started to tell what I thought about her parents. She told them only the bad things which I uttered during arguments, just like what she has been saying about my parents. The only difference is that I know words in anger is only 20% of what we feel. The other 80% is usually over exaggeration and unbalanced view of things. And the fact that I know all these should be kept between ourselves.

Now, her parents started to dislike me and her siblings don't want to talk to me. I have done them no harm and have been treating them very very well. And yet she has been trying very hard to convince them that I have been treating her pretty badly and that I have a terrible opinion of each and every one of them. The truth is, while I do have some opinion about them, I do love each members of her family. But now she has done irreparable damage to our relationship. She has done some childish act that has serious long lasting effect.

It's easy to know why she does that. Earlier on, my parents in law had been rebuking her for her behaviour. Some of her younger siblings has also done the same over different matters. When they do that, she begin to become so emotionally disturbed and cried non stop. She started yelling, and nearly caused an accident on the road. She just could NOT accept the fact that her family is not on her side and instead chided her for her prejudiced thought. That's when she lose it and started to tell them that I am a double face hypocrite.

Now that her parents in one her side again (naturally) after constant bad mouthing, I wonder, what would happen to me?

PA, I have seen enough childish act from my wife. She has taken God's blessing for granted. She wants to continue to wallow in her prejudiced thought. She hurt herself and now she begin to cause hurt to others by dragging them onto the same mud of self pity and self centeredness that she wallows in.

She will succeed, but what are the consequences, and what is the ultimate objectives?

PA, what should I do? I am in great pain.

My Parent-In-Law

Warning!! Terribly prejudice and judgemental piece.


I have always love my parents in law. I love them for their devoted love to their children, their simple outlook of life and their happy go lucky mentality. They are not over complicated people and above all they are very very forgiving and friendly. But at the same time, I also hate them for who they are. ( 'Hate' is a pretty strong word. But I can't find a word that would convey my emotion at this moment of time. Maybe this hate is something like 'dislike' or maybe 'disdain'?)

Why I hate them?

I hate them the most during arguments with my wife. I hate them when I see the current condition of my brother/sister-in-law. I hated them because of the love they have on their children. They love them and dote on them, to the extent they relegated guidance and dicipline way back to the bottom of the list of priorities. And the children, needless to say, grows up to become rebellious, hard headed, lack of skills, prideful and ill equipped to face the world outside. They can just do what they want in their house and the parents are so please that the children enjoy their stay in the house. In fact, they mention that if possible they want all their children to stay with them forever in the same house.

For example, they wouldn't raise a finger if -

• they wish to sleep until afternoon
• they watch TV till past midnight
• they refuse to attend school
• they failed in most of the subjects in school
• they refuse to eat dishes that are painstakingly prepared.

In fact, my parent-in-law would ensure that this dish will not appear again on the meal table. Until now, they would still serve them breakfast/lunch/dinner and even go to the extent of deboning fishes (even keembung) to ensure that the nearly 30 years old 'children' would have fish. Failure to do so means the children would not touch the fish at all.

These are minor. But what I couldn't accept is that they failed to think of their future and guide them appropriately. For example, most of my wife sisters refuse to stay at their respective parents-in-law house during Chinese New Year or holidays. All kinds of excuses are given, and my wife parents didn't even question them much and welcome them back with open arms. IMHO, they have sent the wrong message to their children.

My parents in law has no aspirations on their children. So long as they are healthy, they don't take drugs and most important of all, they are happy, then my parents in law don't really bother about anything else!

If you ask me whether a child born in such a family would be happy, I would have to say a big YES. But the child will suffer as they start to have 'engagement' with the society at large. They would start to feel inadequate, inferior and that the society is just too demanding.

Different family have different pecularities which we must learn to adapt and accept. By giving an impression that they can forever run away from life realities by coming back to their home will cause them to run way at the first instance, without attempting to overcome the displeasure they are experiencing. Temporary abode - yes, but after that, they must still go out and join in the battle. Unless of course, they can ensure they can live longer than all of their children.

If you doubt my sincerity when I say I love them, then let's just say that I have understand the fact that nothing is perfect in this world, except God. I have to learn to accept them and knowing that deep within me, I truly love them as my second parents.

Foretelling

My mind now is running wild with imagination. No, not the sexual types, but the negative ones. I am wondering the things that would happen when we move back to our hometown. Well, I could have my own house. And she would be very much on her parents side, visiting them constantly and spending most of her time with them. Is that a problem? No.... but with the people that she is so accustomed with, she would NOT grow.

But then again, she has been with me for the past 10 years. Has she grown? Nope. A little bit perhaps, but overall - no. What is the problem here, really.... Did she refuse to grow? Or was it because she lacks the encouragement to grow? (my problem?)

My opinion (terribly prejudiced and judgmental) is as such -

- she allows herself to be preoccupied by what if and what not in her life. For example, she always talks about lost opportunities, past regrets and the people who has hold her back

- she allows expired emotions and prejudice to play in her mind to the extent she actually could relive the emotions once again

- she always fear the future. She is firmly on the ground, and yet fear to take the next step.

If she does not grow, then I foresee that there not be much changes to our married life even when we are back in our hometown. The company of parents and siblings at most will mask her emotional insecurities by keeping her busy and occupied with things like - where to go, what to eat, how to celebrate this or that. Not forgetting her many niece and nephews. But once things go quiet and situation causes her to spend her days facing herself, she will go unstable.

Back to the images that is running in my mind right now. I foresee that -

- I will be forced to work in the lion city due to the lack of opportunities in my hometown and the fact that my burdens will be increased with financial commitment like house and car.

- I will bury my head onto work, since I find no happiness in my family life.

- I will not have any children, seriously, she is not ready to have any. We are not ready to have any children. If we have any, I fear for them, especially when she is going through her emotion. If she can be so destructive to herself, anything could 'happen'. Besides, if we have silly and destructive argument over small matters so frequently, what would happen to the child? I could argue over things and laugh about it right after that, but she would be in her cocoon for the rest of the days.

- I will seek overseas posting, so that I could spend more time on my own and less time with her. She will be alright, especially when she has the company of family and siblings.

- I will not wither my life away just because of an unhappy and unfulfilled marriage. I will avail myself to social work and church work wherever I am. I have always believe that God blesses me with so much and I should not waste our time wallowing in our emotion and to waste our energy in endless arguments, especially for things that is not worthy of argument. I REFUSE to be drag into her emotional insecure world and to waste life in such a way.

With all these images, now you understand why am I so depressed nowadays? These images are not what I am expecting for my life, but yet, these are what I foresee for my future, and in the best possible ways.....

if only I could cry like her ...

Sad about 'oikos'...

the oikos is tomorrow. in my dream, i want to bake some chicken wings. not only that. some sisters or brothers will bring some frens or relatives along. and being a talkative person, i could really be useful in building a relationship with them. most of our cell members consist of english speaking people, but seriously, could we expect everyone to be comfortable conversing in english?

then, there's the citation on the meaning of christmas, and also the singing of carols. this is such a meaningful event, i just could not understand why would my WIFE refuse to attend!????? isn't it such a wonderful time to bond with brothers and sisters? my dear wife, do you take the cell members to be your sisters and brothers in Christ? the teams needs you, why do you abandon them like that?

what is wrong with my wife? your first reason is because GB not attending. this morning, the reason has changed to the fact that the event too late at night. it seems that we have been back at home late for so many night. what a load of bulls!!!!? And then she even mention that she wants to spend my birthday ALONE with me. Now throughout the whole day tomorrow, we will be together and ALONE. so what is wrong?

and now, to get away from all these pressure, she wants me to go back to hometown. it seems that she wanted to bring her whole family for a trip to a bloody fishing village that is merely 20km from her house. all these are last minute thought, no planning, nothing.

i told her that it will be not advisable to be back to my hometown without visiting my parents. sigh, she mention that it's alright, since we will be back next week.

she keeps on finding place to go, just to have some excuse not to attend the oikos. what is wrong with my wife?

Broga Hills

She wants to hang on ......to it....

Our last argument confirms what I have always know of. She has yet to get over the issue of my betrayal. Well, what can i expect. The incident has given her such a big shake up, she will need plenty of time to recover. Perhaps I am too eager, perhaps I am too impatient. But what i wish to see, is some indication of her determination to start afresh and anew with me....

The last argument was over such trivial stuff, but she finds it fit to cry a bucket and be so emotional over it. Just because i throw away a few pieces of paper on my dashboard, she would come to this absurd opinion that i am doing all these for CL. She thinks that I am embarrassed that my car seems so full of rubbish. The fact that CL has never sit in my car(until the fateful day) does not cross her mind. In fact, the chances that CL will be sitting in my car anytime soon is seriously remote!

During past arguments, whatever the cause of the argument, she will end up talking about the incident. She has told me something that is so discouraging to me. I feel so disillusioned about our whole marriage when she told me about it. She told me that she does not wish to forget the incident, the hurt and the bitterness during that period. She stresses that, this incident has become my Achilles heels. It has now become a weapon that is wield whenever i am not up to her requirement, or when she wants her way in things.

When i am slow in picking her up at some place by 5 minutes, she will claim that this sort of thing will never happens when i am picking up cell members.
When i want her to do certain things by herself, she will scold me, stressing that i will go great extent to help others performing certain task.
When i walk faster to cell meeting or the church, she will pick a fight with me saying that i am not caring enough and for wanting her to do things faster. Sometimes to prove her point, she would refuse to finish her food, or begin swallowing mouthful of the food. Needless to say, she would cry after doing so.

She blamed me for everything that has happened. In fact, she's so sure that if the incident happen me (switch roles), i'll take revenge in the same way too!

i feel sad and cheated. my only response to her is simple -
"...if you cannot forget and would want to hold on to the bitterness, ....why do you want to be married to me? don't you know that this burden will bring great hurt to our marriage? and if it is not resolve, it will also hurt our children?..."

her response? -
".... i know, i know, you don't wish to marry me in the first place...i am just a backup. you married me just because you feel sorry and want to be responsible for me...."

i just go quiet ....


Broga Hills

Another stupid argument...

it's 10.52pm. I am still waiting for my spouse to return from her solitary trip around the place we stay. I don't know where she is. both her hand phones where shut off. well, it's a tiring wait, and a boring one too for me...not to mention plenty of worries as midnight approaches.

we had a pretty serious argument this afternoon. we usually don't have such serious argument, unless it's approaching her menstrual. but she just went through that last week, so....

so what's the problem? I doesn't know! but if you ask how I contribute to it, I can just say that I lost my temper when my wife started to give me cold treatment for no reason!

emm...okay, this is going to be lengthy. so if you could follow, great, but if you can't, ...who cares?

Me and his wife is married for 2 months. yeap, that's how 'long' we have been married. we have been dating for the past 10 years! haha, now that's long...

much as I thought that getting married is a new beginning, now I realised that nothing has changed and whatever burdens during the courtship was actually being dragged through the marriage corridor and has now become a constant stumbling stone to our relationship.

now, before I mention on the stumbling block, let me just describe to you, the reason of the cold treatment I receive this morning (sunday).

two days ago(friday), we were ferrying one brother(GB) and one sister(CL) from one parking lot to another parking lot, within the same building. nothing much was said during the short 30 sec journey, other than, left, right, behind and in front. the reason for the ferrying was to get some goods from the car of CL so that we could pass the goods to an old uncle we gonna ferry the next morning. so far, no problem.

now, the next morning (sat) comes and before I ferry the old uncle, i clean up the dash board of my car by removing some papers and brochures. that's where the problem starts. my spouse suddenly gave me the cold treatment and as usual i am dumb founded. it doesn't take long before she blurt out, saying that i clear up the dash board because i am embarrassed (abt my car cleanliness) after ferrying CL the day before. She continue spitting her venom by saying that CL has such huge attractiveness that it could move my hand to clear the few pieces of papers, which i stubbornly refuse to even after much nagging from her.

emm...it didn't actually goes downhill from there, i keep my cool. throughout , she keeps on showing her displeasure at me over this issue and continuously giving sarcastic remarks like -

• only CL could make me do what i don't like to
• only CL could change me
• i don't love her, i only marry her because i have no choice and rejected by CL
• GB and JF (another brother) is hundreds times better than me....

BUT....i keep my cool. in fact we went to JayaOne, walking every corners as if we are the land surveyor, and after that to Ikea. we bought quite a number of stuff, but every time we go to the car, she would start repeating the same mantra again and again. all i could do is to quickly divert her attention by treating her some finger foods or show other loving gestures.

yes, i keep my cool...and i'm glad.

now, that was yesterday, and today, being the Lord's day, we went to church together. everything was fine, and we were kissing and hugging each other early in the morning. But, when the praise and worship starts, the cold treatment starts. she starts to move away from me intentionally. she refuse to be touched. she looked so self absorbed in her own world. well, i know her for so long and i'm all too familiar with all these signals. i know something is wrong, but what? although it troubled me greatly, i refuse to play along. i only get to praise and worship once a week, i am not gonna let her take away the peace that i am seeking so hard.

this is not the first time she takes away my 'peace'. sometimes when i am doing my devotion, she would taunt me for no reason. and whenever she's in the church, she's always feeling so out of place and uncomfortable. so self absorbed. she refuse to sing out loud, just movement of lips. does she really know what it means to come and praise and worship God? Does she understand what offering means to the Kingdom of God? Can she just push aside all the unproductive emotion and concentrate on God alone and ask God to direct her life and to grant her the wisdom to lead a righteous life?

later on, i realised it is for the same thing that she has been taunting yesterday. (yes, it has now become taunting to me) it must be the short trip to the church and the fact that CL happens to be ushering today that reminds her, sigh....

regardless of how much explanation i'm giving her, it's not good enough, in fact the taunting got worst.

Later, this uneasiness turn into a full blown argument when a slight misunderstanding happens during the afternoon lunch with the cell. (which is too difficult to describe, suffice to say that it involves $)

sigh....here's the first ranting...

BrogaHills

Updates 12am

Went out in search for wifey when she fails to return home. Drive through each road, to the nearest shopping complexes, McD, KFC, A&W, mamak and even drive deep into the neighbouring residential area. Giant is closed, so is Tesco.

Updates 1am

Finally give up and went back to home.

Whoa-la, she's there surfing the web. Didn't talk much, clean my face, brush my teeth and went straight to sleep. There is still a long day to go tomorrow.

First Post of BrogaHills

ooo...BrogaHills feel so good to have space of his own. Not that he do not have any, but the purpose of this blog is in providing an outlet for his emotion. And what kind of emotion will that be? Well..., the spouse kind. Which is why, BrogaHills usual blog cannot be use to do all these. The other blog will mainly be happy clappy kind of postings, some religion, and some politics, and especially good times with brothers and sisters and family and etc.

even as this is the first post, BrogaHills pretty sure that this blog will have much ranting. so you are warned. it can get boring as it will be pretty much repetitive. BrogaHills find ranting to be much therapeutic. you may say that he's running away from his problems, but he beg to differ. when the problem seems too difficult to solve and too time consuming and without ends, one needs a space where he can lay out all his problems, and grouses and complaints and ....hopefully have a clearer picture...

hey, come to think about it, BrogaHills thinks the most probable reason is because by writing it down what is greatly troubling BrogaHills's heart, he will 'cool down' and have a clearer head. And when the problem is of a spousal kind, this aids a lot.

okay, enough justification....let's rant...

BrogaHills