Wounded again...

phew, another late night episode of shouting and crying. But what's so special about this time, well, while she is going through her emotion of shouting and crying and runny nose, she actually pee-ed on the mattress she's sitting on. Well, we do not have any sofas in our living room, only one mattress which we sit on.

What was the subject of argument? Plenty, by the end of the argument, I'm totally confused. But as the previous time, I managed to keep a cool head while she accused me of this and that. Sometimes, I really wanted to record all the 'episodes' and then hopefully she can revisit back and see the irrational way which she talks or the conclusion she have at that times.

As for the title of this post, well yeap, I got her nails embedded into my arms again. Not serious, just more scars and some bruises at the chest. While she is shouting her lungs out as if someone is butchering her, I tried to silence her by closing her mouth. That's when she get rough with me. Thank God, I did not in any way hit her out of anger. I did that once or twice when I see her lose control and act like possessed and I deeply regretted it. But that was the times before we got married and I promised my pastor that I will never did that again. If I really could not stand her madness, I better go away temporarily to avoid confrontation that may become physical.

Thank God for the past few late night episodes, I managed not to shout nor become physical in any way.

I think she needs to see a doctor. She has the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. That's the only conclusion that I could make.

Got this from the web -
http://www.essortment.com/all/borderlineperso_rnmc.htm

Borderline Personality Disorder is considered to be the most common personality disorder. The diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder is somewhat controversial because it is difficult to diagnosis. Some classic symptoms of this disorder include an intense fear of abandonment, emotional intensity, unpredictable mood swings, impulsivity, obsessive ruminating, paranoid distortions and self-destructive behavior.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder have immense difficulty regulating their emotions. They display a marked hypersensitivity to other people and the stress of social interactions and emotional intimacy that leaves them on an emotional roller coaster that is terrifying to themselves and others. People with BPD become so overwhelmed by their own emotions that they lash out at their loved ones in unpredictable rages or turn their fear and anger inwards and act self destructively.

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder find it more difficult to distinguish reality from their own misperceptions of the world and their surrounding environment. While this may seem like a form of delusional disorder at times, it is actually caused by their intense emotions overwhelming their regular cognitive functioning. This is why people with BPD can sometimes excel in academia and the work place and yet totally lose control in their personal and family lives.

The most distinguishing characteristic of Borderline Personality Disorder is a tendency to see things in black and white. People suffering from this disorder live in a world of extremes. They either idealize or vilify everyone they meet. Often they veer between idealizing a loved one and devaluating them causing great turmoil and misery in that loved one’s life. Situations these people encounter are viewed as either ideal or disastrous. It doesn’t take much to upset their equilibrium. A frown from a co-worker or neighbor may send them into a rage and their spouse and family members may have to listen to obsessive ruminating about this co-worker’s personality and actions for several weeks afterward. A neighbor may be shunned as a result of a facial expression, a throwaway comment, or a broken lunch date. A family member may be cut out of the will after displeasing the BPD by some minor action or because the BPD has fabricated in their mind, actions or motivations that never occurred.

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder are generally not psychotic, however their behavior can seem “crazy” to those closest to them. They often have extreme mood swings that cycle very rapidly through out the course of a single day. They are irritable and anxious much of the time. BPDs are often suspicious and distrustful of loved ones and others without real cause. They experience cognitive distortions and accuse loved ones and others of doing things they haven’t done and of having sinister motives for the simplest of actions. They feel they can never get enough love and affection to make them feel happy and secure. Loved ones feel they are constantly “walking on eggshells” fearful of doing or saying the “wrong” thing least it set off the rage of their borderline family member.

me people with Borderline Personality Disorder engage in self-destructive behaviors such as over spending, overeating, promiscuity, criminal behavior, substance abuse, prostitution, and eating disorders. A subgroup of BPDs is involved in chronic self-mutilation for example purposely burning and cutting their skin.Some BPDs cut their skin so often that they are referred to as "cutters". Suicidal ideology is common at some point in many of these people’s lives.

At times people with Borderline Personality Disorder feel empty, spacey and unreal. Central to those with borderline personality is an identity disturbance, a feeling of being empty and out of sync with the rest of humanity. They may have a deep-rooted secret belief that they are evil. Often Borderline’s may project their own feelings of inferiority on to loved ones whom they then devalue and abuse. Some BPDs physically abuse their loved ones, kicking punching, slapping and gouging their loved ones with their fingernails. They act verbally abusive to people they know well while putting on a charming front for other people,thus fooling coworkers, neighbors and therapists who may not believe family members stories of abuse. They may appear competent and even excel in some situations while acting extremely out of control in others. Child and spousal abuse is common