Sad about 'oikos'...

the oikos is tomorrow. in my dream, i want to bake some chicken wings. not only that. some sisters or brothers will bring some frens or relatives along. and being a talkative person, i could really be useful in building a relationship with them. most of our cell members consist of english speaking people, but seriously, could we expect everyone to be comfortable conversing in english?

then, there's the citation on the meaning of christmas, and also the singing of carols. this is such a meaningful event, i just could not understand why would my WIFE refuse to attend!????? isn't it such a wonderful time to bond with brothers and sisters? my dear wife, do you take the cell members to be your sisters and brothers in Christ? the teams needs you, why do you abandon them like that?

what is wrong with my wife? your first reason is because GB not attending. this morning, the reason has changed to the fact that the event too late at night. it seems that we have been back at home late for so many night. what a load of bulls!!!!? And then she even mention that she wants to spend my birthday ALONE with me. Now throughout the whole day tomorrow, we will be together and ALONE. so what is wrong?

and now, to get away from all these pressure, she wants me to go back to hometown. it seems that she wanted to bring her whole family for a trip to a bloody fishing village that is merely 20km from her house. all these are last minute thought, no planning, nothing.

i told her that it will be not advisable to be back to my hometown without visiting my parents. sigh, she mention that it's alright, since we will be back next week.

she keeps on finding place to go, just to have some excuse not to attend the oikos. what is wrong with my wife?

Broga Hills

She wants to hang on ......to it....

Our last argument confirms what I have always know of. She has yet to get over the issue of my betrayal. Well, what can i expect. The incident has given her such a big shake up, she will need plenty of time to recover. Perhaps I am too eager, perhaps I am too impatient. But what i wish to see, is some indication of her determination to start afresh and anew with me....

The last argument was over such trivial stuff, but she finds it fit to cry a bucket and be so emotional over it. Just because i throw away a few pieces of paper on my dashboard, she would come to this absurd opinion that i am doing all these for CL. She thinks that I am embarrassed that my car seems so full of rubbish. The fact that CL has never sit in my car(until the fateful day) does not cross her mind. In fact, the chances that CL will be sitting in my car anytime soon is seriously remote!

During past arguments, whatever the cause of the argument, she will end up talking about the incident. She has told me something that is so discouraging to me. I feel so disillusioned about our whole marriage when she told me about it. She told me that she does not wish to forget the incident, the hurt and the bitterness during that period. She stresses that, this incident has become my Achilles heels. It has now become a weapon that is wield whenever i am not up to her requirement, or when she wants her way in things.

When i am slow in picking her up at some place by 5 minutes, she will claim that this sort of thing will never happens when i am picking up cell members.
When i want her to do certain things by herself, she will scold me, stressing that i will go great extent to help others performing certain task.
When i walk faster to cell meeting or the church, she will pick a fight with me saying that i am not caring enough and for wanting her to do things faster. Sometimes to prove her point, she would refuse to finish her food, or begin swallowing mouthful of the food. Needless to say, she would cry after doing so.

She blamed me for everything that has happened. In fact, she's so sure that if the incident happen me (switch roles), i'll take revenge in the same way too!

i feel sad and cheated. my only response to her is simple -
"...if you cannot forget and would want to hold on to the bitterness, ....why do you want to be married to me? don't you know that this burden will bring great hurt to our marriage? and if it is not resolve, it will also hurt our children?..."

her response? -
".... i know, i know, you don't wish to marry me in the first place...i am just a backup. you married me just because you feel sorry and want to be responsible for me...."

i just go quiet ....


Broga Hills