My first Christmas with my parents after getting married

Dear PA,

Today is Christmas Day. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Yes, PA. We had another round of argument on the Eve of Christmas. I am just too tired to describe to you what really happens. And I wish to inform you that I have some doubt about our marriage. We have been having arguments over petty things, from car tidiness to fish paste. While most of the time I have been keeping a level head, she has been terribly emotional and started behaving in a destructive behaviour.

And now, I think I had enough. She has crossed the border by bad mouthing me in front of her parents. In her emotional state, she started to tell what I thought about her parents. She told them only the bad things which I uttered during arguments, just like what she has been saying about my parents. The only difference is that I know words in anger is only 20% of what we feel. The other 80% is usually over exaggeration and unbalanced view of things. And the fact that I know all these should be kept between ourselves.

Now, her parents started to dislike me and her siblings don't want to talk to me. I have done them no harm and have been treating them very very well. And yet she has been trying very hard to convince them that I have been treating her pretty badly and that I have a terrible opinion of each and every one of them. The truth is, while I do have some opinion about them, I do love each members of her family. But now she has done irreparable damage to our relationship. She has done some childish act that has serious long lasting effect.

It's easy to know why she does that. Earlier on, my parents in law had been rebuking her for her behaviour. Some of her younger siblings has also done the same over different matters. When they do that, she begin to become so emotionally disturbed and cried non stop. She started yelling, and nearly caused an accident on the road. She just could NOT accept the fact that her family is not on her side and instead chided her for her prejudiced thought. That's when she lose it and started to tell them that I am a double face hypocrite.

Now that her parents in one her side again (naturally) after constant bad mouthing, I wonder, what would happen to me?

PA, I have seen enough childish act from my wife. She has taken God's blessing for granted. She wants to continue to wallow in her prejudiced thought. She hurt herself and now she begin to cause hurt to others by dragging them onto the same mud of self pity and self centeredness that she wallows in.

She will succeed, but what are the consequences, and what is the ultimate objectives?

PA, what should I do? I am in great pain.

My Parent-In-Law

Warning!! Terribly prejudice and judgemental piece.


I have always love my parents in law. I love them for their devoted love to their children, their simple outlook of life and their happy go lucky mentality. They are not over complicated people and above all they are very very forgiving and friendly. But at the same time, I also hate them for who they are. ( 'Hate' is a pretty strong word. But I can't find a word that would convey my emotion at this moment of time. Maybe this hate is something like 'dislike' or maybe 'disdain'?)

Why I hate them?

I hate them the most during arguments with my wife. I hate them when I see the current condition of my brother/sister-in-law. I hated them because of the love they have on their children. They love them and dote on them, to the extent they relegated guidance and dicipline way back to the bottom of the list of priorities. And the children, needless to say, grows up to become rebellious, hard headed, lack of skills, prideful and ill equipped to face the world outside. They can just do what they want in their house and the parents are so please that the children enjoy their stay in the house. In fact, they mention that if possible they want all their children to stay with them forever in the same house.

For example, they wouldn't raise a finger if -

• they wish to sleep until afternoon
• they watch TV till past midnight
• they refuse to attend school
• they failed in most of the subjects in school
• they refuse to eat dishes that are painstakingly prepared.

In fact, my parent-in-law would ensure that this dish will not appear again on the meal table. Until now, they would still serve them breakfast/lunch/dinner and even go to the extent of deboning fishes (even keembung) to ensure that the nearly 30 years old 'children' would have fish. Failure to do so means the children would not touch the fish at all.

These are minor. But what I couldn't accept is that they failed to think of their future and guide them appropriately. For example, most of my wife sisters refuse to stay at their respective parents-in-law house during Chinese New Year or holidays. All kinds of excuses are given, and my wife parents didn't even question them much and welcome them back with open arms. IMHO, they have sent the wrong message to their children.

My parents in law has no aspirations on their children. So long as they are healthy, they don't take drugs and most important of all, they are happy, then my parents in law don't really bother about anything else!

If you ask me whether a child born in such a family would be happy, I would have to say a big YES. But the child will suffer as they start to have 'engagement' with the society at large. They would start to feel inadequate, inferior and that the society is just too demanding.

Different family have different pecularities which we must learn to adapt and accept. By giving an impression that they can forever run away from life realities by coming back to their home will cause them to run way at the first instance, without attempting to overcome the displeasure they are experiencing. Temporary abode - yes, but after that, they must still go out and join in the battle. Unless of course, they can ensure they can live longer than all of their children.

If you doubt my sincerity when I say I love them, then let's just say that I have understand the fact that nothing is perfect in this world, except God. I have to learn to accept them and knowing that deep within me, I truly love them as my second parents.