My mind now is running wild with imagination. No, not the sexual types, but the negative ones. I am wondering the things that would happen when we move back to our hometown. Well, I could have my own house. And she would be very much on her parents side, visiting them constantly and spending most of her time with them. Is that a problem? No.... but with the people that she is so accustomed with, she would NOT grow.
But then again, she has been with me for the past 10 years. Has she grown? Nope. A little bit perhaps, but overall - no. What is the problem here, really.... Did she refuse to grow? Or was it because she lacks the encouragement to grow? (my problem?)
My opinion (terribly prejudiced and judgmental) is as such -
- she allows herself to be preoccupied by what if and what not in her life. For example, she always talks about lost opportunities, past regrets and the people who has hold her back
- she allows expired emotions and prejudice to play in her mind to the extent she actually could relive the emotions once again
- she always fear the future. She is firmly on the ground, and yet fear to take the next step.
If she does not grow, then I foresee that there not be much changes to our married life even when we are back in our hometown. The company of parents and siblings at most will mask her emotional insecurities by keeping her busy and occupied with things like - where to go, what to eat, how to celebrate this or that. Not forgetting her many niece and nephews. But once things go quiet and situation causes her to spend her days facing herself, she will go unstable.
Back to the images that is running in my mind right now. I foresee that -
- I will be forced to work in the lion city due to the lack of opportunities in my hometown and the fact that my burdens will be increased with financial commitment like house and car.
- I will bury my head onto work, since I find no happiness in my family life.
- I will not have any children, seriously, she is not ready to have any. We are not ready to have any children. If we have any, I fear for them, especially when she is going through her emotion. If she can be so destructive to herself, anything could 'happen'. Besides, if we have silly and destructive argument over small matters so frequently, what would happen to the child? I could argue over things and laugh about it right after that, but she would be in her cocoon for the rest of the days.
- I will seek overseas posting, so that I could spend more time on my own and less time with her. She will be alright, especially when she has the company of family and siblings.
- I will not wither my life away just because of an unhappy and unfulfilled marriage. I will avail myself to social work and church work wherever I am. I have always believe that God blesses me with so much and I should not waste our time wallowing in our emotion and to waste our energy in endless arguments, especially for things that is not worthy of argument. I REFUSE to be drag into her emotional insecure world and to waste life in such a way.
With all these images, now you understand why am I so depressed nowadays? These images are not what I am expecting for my life, but yet, these are what I foresee for my future, and in the best possible ways.....
if only I could cry like her ...
But then again, she has been with me for the past 10 years. Has she grown? Nope. A little bit perhaps, but overall - no. What is the problem here, really.... Did she refuse to grow? Or was it because she lacks the encouragement to grow? (my problem?)
My opinion (terribly prejudiced and judgmental) is as such -
- she allows herself to be preoccupied by what if and what not in her life. For example, she always talks about lost opportunities, past regrets and the people who has hold her back
- she allows expired emotions and prejudice to play in her mind to the extent she actually could relive the emotions once again
- she always fear the future. She is firmly on the ground, and yet fear to take the next step.
If she does not grow, then I foresee that there not be much changes to our married life even when we are back in our hometown. The company of parents and siblings at most will mask her emotional insecurities by keeping her busy and occupied with things like - where to go, what to eat, how to celebrate this or that. Not forgetting her many niece and nephews. But once things go quiet and situation causes her to spend her days facing herself, she will go unstable.
Back to the images that is running in my mind right now. I foresee that -
- I will be forced to work in the lion city due to the lack of opportunities in my hometown and the fact that my burdens will be increased with financial commitment like house and car.
- I will bury my head onto work, since I find no happiness in my family life.
- I will not have any children, seriously, she is not ready to have any. We are not ready to have any children. If we have any, I fear for them, especially when she is going through her emotion. If she can be so destructive to herself, anything could 'happen'. Besides, if we have silly and destructive argument over small matters so frequently, what would happen to the child? I could argue over things and laugh about it right after that, but she would be in her cocoon for the rest of the days.
- I will seek overseas posting, so that I could spend more time on my own and less time with her. She will be alright, especially when she has the company of family and siblings.
- I will not wither my life away just because of an unhappy and unfulfilled marriage. I will avail myself to social work and church work wherever I am. I have always believe that God blesses me with so much and I should not waste our time wallowing in our emotion and to waste our energy in endless arguments, especially for things that is not worthy of argument. I REFUSE to be drag into her emotional insecure world and to waste life in such a way.
With all these images, now you understand why am I so depressed nowadays? These images are not what I am expecting for my life, but yet, these are what I foresee for my future, and in the best possible ways.....
if only I could cry like her ...
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