Sad about 'oikos'...

the oikos is tomorrow. in my dream, i want to bake some chicken wings. not only that. some sisters or brothers will bring some frens or relatives along. and being a talkative person, i could really be useful in building a relationship with them. most of our cell members consist of english speaking people, but seriously, could we expect everyone to be comfortable conversing in english?

then, there's the citation on the meaning of christmas, and also the singing of carols. this is such a meaningful event, i just could not understand why would my WIFE refuse to attend!????? isn't it such a wonderful time to bond with brothers and sisters? my dear wife, do you take the cell members to be your sisters and brothers in Christ? the teams needs you, why do you abandon them like that?

what is wrong with my wife? your first reason is because GB not attending. this morning, the reason has changed to the fact that the event too late at night. it seems that we have been back at home late for so many night. what a load of bulls!!!!? And then she even mention that she wants to spend my birthday ALONE with me. Now throughout the whole day tomorrow, we will be together and ALONE. so what is wrong?

and now, to get away from all these pressure, she wants me to go back to hometown. it seems that she wanted to bring her whole family for a trip to a bloody fishing village that is merely 20km from her house. all these are last minute thought, no planning, nothing.

i told her that it will be not advisable to be back to my hometown without visiting my parents. sigh, she mention that it's alright, since we will be back next week.

she keeps on finding place to go, just to have some excuse not to attend the oikos. what is wrong with my wife?

Broga Hills

She wants to hang on ......to it....

Our last argument confirms what I have always know of. She has yet to get over the issue of my betrayal. Well, what can i expect. The incident has given her such a big shake up, she will need plenty of time to recover. Perhaps I am too eager, perhaps I am too impatient. But what i wish to see, is some indication of her determination to start afresh and anew with me....

The last argument was over such trivial stuff, but she finds it fit to cry a bucket and be so emotional over it. Just because i throw away a few pieces of paper on my dashboard, she would come to this absurd opinion that i am doing all these for CL. She thinks that I am embarrassed that my car seems so full of rubbish. The fact that CL has never sit in my car(until the fateful day) does not cross her mind. In fact, the chances that CL will be sitting in my car anytime soon is seriously remote!

During past arguments, whatever the cause of the argument, she will end up talking about the incident. She has told me something that is so discouraging to me. I feel so disillusioned about our whole marriage when she told me about it. She told me that she does not wish to forget the incident, the hurt and the bitterness during that period. She stresses that, this incident has become my Achilles heels. It has now become a weapon that is wield whenever i am not up to her requirement, or when she wants her way in things.

When i am slow in picking her up at some place by 5 minutes, she will claim that this sort of thing will never happens when i am picking up cell members.
When i want her to do certain things by herself, she will scold me, stressing that i will go great extent to help others performing certain task.
When i walk faster to cell meeting or the church, she will pick a fight with me saying that i am not caring enough and for wanting her to do things faster. Sometimes to prove her point, she would refuse to finish her food, or begin swallowing mouthful of the food. Needless to say, she would cry after doing so.

She blamed me for everything that has happened. In fact, she's so sure that if the incident happen me (switch roles), i'll take revenge in the same way too!

i feel sad and cheated. my only response to her is simple -
"...if you cannot forget and would want to hold on to the bitterness, ....why do you want to be married to me? don't you know that this burden will bring great hurt to our marriage? and if it is not resolve, it will also hurt our children?..."

her response? -
".... i know, i know, you don't wish to marry me in the first place...i am just a backup. you married me just because you feel sorry and want to be responsible for me...."

i just go quiet ....


Broga Hills

Another stupid argument...

it's 10.52pm. I am still waiting for my spouse to return from her solitary trip around the place we stay. I don't know where she is. both her hand phones where shut off. well, it's a tiring wait, and a boring one too for me...not to mention plenty of worries as midnight approaches.

we had a pretty serious argument this afternoon. we usually don't have such serious argument, unless it's approaching her menstrual. but she just went through that last week, so....

so what's the problem? I doesn't know! but if you ask how I contribute to it, I can just say that I lost my temper when my wife started to give me cold treatment for no reason!

emm...okay, this is going to be lengthy. so if you could follow, great, but if you can't, ...who cares?

Me and his wife is married for 2 months. yeap, that's how 'long' we have been married. we have been dating for the past 10 years! haha, now that's long...

much as I thought that getting married is a new beginning, now I realised that nothing has changed and whatever burdens during the courtship was actually being dragged through the marriage corridor and has now become a constant stumbling stone to our relationship.

now, before I mention on the stumbling block, let me just describe to you, the reason of the cold treatment I receive this morning (sunday).

two days ago(friday), we were ferrying one brother(GB) and one sister(CL) from one parking lot to another parking lot, within the same building. nothing much was said during the short 30 sec journey, other than, left, right, behind and in front. the reason for the ferrying was to get some goods from the car of CL so that we could pass the goods to an old uncle we gonna ferry the next morning. so far, no problem.

now, the next morning (sat) comes and before I ferry the old uncle, i clean up the dash board of my car by removing some papers and brochures. that's where the problem starts. my spouse suddenly gave me the cold treatment and as usual i am dumb founded. it doesn't take long before she blurt out, saying that i clear up the dash board because i am embarrassed (abt my car cleanliness) after ferrying CL the day before. She continue spitting her venom by saying that CL has such huge attractiveness that it could move my hand to clear the few pieces of papers, which i stubbornly refuse to even after much nagging from her.

emm...it didn't actually goes downhill from there, i keep my cool. throughout , she keeps on showing her displeasure at me over this issue and continuously giving sarcastic remarks like -

• only CL could make me do what i don't like to
• only CL could change me
• i don't love her, i only marry her because i have no choice and rejected by CL
• GB and JF (another brother) is hundreds times better than me....

BUT....i keep my cool. in fact we went to JayaOne, walking every corners as if we are the land surveyor, and after that to Ikea. we bought quite a number of stuff, but every time we go to the car, she would start repeating the same mantra again and again. all i could do is to quickly divert her attention by treating her some finger foods or show other loving gestures.

yes, i keep my cool...and i'm glad.

now, that was yesterday, and today, being the Lord's day, we went to church together. everything was fine, and we were kissing and hugging each other early in the morning. But, when the praise and worship starts, the cold treatment starts. she starts to move away from me intentionally. she refuse to be touched. she looked so self absorbed in her own world. well, i know her for so long and i'm all too familiar with all these signals. i know something is wrong, but what? although it troubled me greatly, i refuse to play along. i only get to praise and worship once a week, i am not gonna let her take away the peace that i am seeking so hard.

this is not the first time she takes away my 'peace'. sometimes when i am doing my devotion, she would taunt me for no reason. and whenever she's in the church, she's always feeling so out of place and uncomfortable. so self absorbed. she refuse to sing out loud, just movement of lips. does she really know what it means to come and praise and worship God? Does she understand what offering means to the Kingdom of God? Can she just push aside all the unproductive emotion and concentrate on God alone and ask God to direct her life and to grant her the wisdom to lead a righteous life?

later on, i realised it is for the same thing that she has been taunting yesterday. (yes, it has now become taunting to me) it must be the short trip to the church and the fact that CL happens to be ushering today that reminds her, sigh....

regardless of how much explanation i'm giving her, it's not good enough, in fact the taunting got worst.

Later, this uneasiness turn into a full blown argument when a slight misunderstanding happens during the afternoon lunch with the cell. (which is too difficult to describe, suffice to say that it involves $)

sigh....here's the first ranting...

BrogaHills

Updates 12am

Went out in search for wifey when she fails to return home. Drive through each road, to the nearest shopping complexes, McD, KFC, A&W, mamak and even drive deep into the neighbouring residential area. Giant is closed, so is Tesco.

Updates 1am

Finally give up and went back to home.

Whoa-la, she's there surfing the web. Didn't talk much, clean my face, brush my teeth and went straight to sleep. There is still a long day to go tomorrow.

First Post of BrogaHills

ooo...BrogaHills feel so good to have space of his own. Not that he do not have any, but the purpose of this blog is in providing an outlet for his emotion. And what kind of emotion will that be? Well..., the spouse kind. Which is why, BrogaHills usual blog cannot be use to do all these. The other blog will mainly be happy clappy kind of postings, some religion, and some politics, and especially good times with brothers and sisters and family and etc.

even as this is the first post, BrogaHills pretty sure that this blog will have much ranting. so you are warned. it can get boring as it will be pretty much repetitive. BrogaHills find ranting to be much therapeutic. you may say that he's running away from his problems, but he beg to differ. when the problem seems too difficult to solve and too time consuming and without ends, one needs a space where he can lay out all his problems, and grouses and complaints and ....hopefully have a clearer picture...

hey, come to think about it, BrogaHills thinks the most probable reason is because by writing it down what is greatly troubling BrogaHills's heart, he will 'cool down' and have a clearer head. And when the problem is of a spousal kind, this aids a lot.

okay, enough justification....let's rant...

BrogaHills